A lot of people I work with are tired. Very tired.
They are worried about their health, and often weight management is more of an immediate pressure than fatigue, because weight might just be something they can do something about, whilst the demands on them aren’t.
It makes sense to turn to food
It’s understandable to reach for something to eat to boost your energy when you feel tired, and even more so if you’re totally flatlining…
- Your brain may be thinking that energy = glucose and therefore fuel is needed
- Your brain and body may be remembering past associations between food intake and energy increase, and sending instructions to your brain to score something to eat
Desperate times call for desperate measures, so if your exhaustion stands between you and what has to be done, you may find that you’re eating before you know it.
The bigger picture
In the midst of all of this, successive demands pull your mental focus on to what needs dealing with next. Spinning plates, whack-a-mole, whatever you call it, keeps your attention narrowed on problems and how to solve them.
Stepping back and seeing what’s happening can help. Just suggesting this may be quite annoying, but bear with me as a lot of people have found this line of thinking helpful, if only to get a perspective on their situation.
Solar systems
Wherever you are in the world, you are always at the centre of your own solar system – you can’t be anywhere else. I can’t now remember the first time I began sketching this idea out with a client. I’ve drawn this so many scores (possibly hundreds) of times now that I’ve lost track.
The basic point is that you are the sun at the centre of your own mini solar system, and that the planetary orbits around you represent degrees of closeness of your relationships with others.
Inner orbits are those closest to you with Mercury, if you’re astronomically literate (I’m not – I had to check that), representing your closest relationship(s). There might be only one person in that inner orbit – a partner or sibling or parent for example – or a few very close people.
Further-away orbits are occupied by people of different levels of closeness to you, and outer space is strangers – everyone you don’t know.
You may want to include animals that are particularly important in your life, in whatever orbit they occupy in relation to you.
Here’s an example…
The people closest to you rely on you the most
The first thing to notice is that those in your Mercury and Venus orbits are the people who rely on you most. So their wellbeing relies on yours. In order to be able to keep supporting them, you need to support your own health and wellbeing.
When you remember this, it follows that self-care is an act of generosity to those closest to you, not an act of selfishness.
If you are prioritising what people in your outer orbits ask of you (the colleague who wants you to help organise the boss’s leaving party or the relative who wants you to taxi their friend to an appointment), you may have little energy left. When this happens, you are short-changing yourself and your most important people.
Exercise
Here’s a blank version of my sketch to put yourself in the centre circle and then think about who lives in the orbits around you. Once you’ve done this, you can bring this mental solar map to mind when you’re faced with a new demand. The question then might be
“what is the cost to my closest people of me agreeing to this?”
or “what might the cost to my closest people of me not looking after myself this evening?”.
Taking this a step further with elliptical orbits
Using this sketch led me to talk with a particular client, Carys, about her exhaustion in terms of her solar system. Carys had four young children, a demanding job, a house to run and elderly in-laws living nearby.
Not only was she frazzled, but her marriage was under increasing strain. Her relationship with her husband had generally been loving and supportive but she was starting to wonder why they were together at all. They had frequent fights about money and were at loggerheads over his parents’ demands for help and regular visits.
What emerged as we talked was that Carys felt totally unsupported by her husband, and recognised that she was distancing herself from him, physically and emotionally.
As this was a contrast to how they had been until recently, I suggested that Carys draw her solar system with the pair-bond between the two of them at the centre rather than just her. This helped to focus on the fact that jointly they were supporting a lot of other people, and that to continue to do that they needed to draw closer and focus on each other.
Date nights were a hassle to organise, but they opened the way to more communication, and a rekindling of their sexual relationship. The hassle was more than re-paid by the feelings of love, support and energy they each gained from the other.
If you have someone very close that you need in the centre with you, who needs you in their centre with them, this might be a valuable exercise to do together.
This thinking is especially valuable when you have dependent children – your children will benefit most from you cultivating mutual support and closeness as a couple.
Exercise
Here’s a blank version of my sketch with space for two of you at the centre, as the sun. Put yourselves in the centre circle and then think about who lives in the orbits around you. Once you’ve done this, you can talk about how to respond when you’re faced with a new demand, using this mental map as a framework.
Those people who most rely on you, or your pair bond, will benefit from you doing this
This blog has come from working with very many people who have confused self-care with selfishness, to their own detriment. As I’ve said, this is also to the detriment of those who rely on them most.
One final exercise
When you have your solar system mapped out, clock which people or animals give you the most support, love and energy. Those are the ones to hang out with as much as possible.
Make another mental note of who drains you or leaves you feeling inadequate. Ration the amount of time you spend with those people. This simple editing exercise of allocating time may itself boost your energy and wellbeing, even without doing anything else.
Photo by Luca Baggio for Unsplash